As women we yearn for them, we thrive with them, and yet many of us drive them out of our lives.
The stories from yesterday cast a shadow over what we yearn for today.
And so we feel lonely.
We feel like we must be different from everyone around us.
And we look for proof to support our stories.
We will sit down at church and notice that no one sits next to us.
We go to a party and realize that no one is gravitating towards us, making eye contact, and wanting to be in our presence.
And we shrink….
We feel like there has to be a reason.
And so we disconnect.
Because it is easier to avoid, numb, and distract than it is to try once again and get the same reaction.
I remember this feeling…..oh sisters….I remember this feeling.
And my heart hurts for you.
I want to wrap you in my sister-arms and rock you gently, reminding you that we have always been right here waiting for you to open your heart once again.
I see you. I hear you. I try to understand you. And I embrace you.
I also realize that the only thing keeping you from connecting is the very story you cling so tightly to.
The story that women are catty, that they are mean, that they are backbiting, that they aren’t true friends.
The story that you can’t make friends. The story that says that you aren’t someone that anyone wants to be around.
What you my not notice is the way you walk into a room. You keep your eyes downward, and pretend to be occupied with your phone, your kids, anything to let someone know that you feel alone. You want to pretend that nothing is bothering you and that you are distracted, but inside you want to run and hide and go home- so you can feel alone while being alone. Because nothing feels more lonely than being in a room full of people and not being seen.
The energy of being afraid is carried into that room and filters through it like a plague. The very belief that no one wants to be around you is picked up by those around you and you attract the very fear of not being enough and not being seen.
How do I know this?
Because I have lived this.
Because I have felt this.
So how is it that I now have so many friends that the only thing I feel is a little guilty about not making time for all of them?
How my friends are kind, gentle, are supportive, and cheer me on. These friends dance with me, cry with me, celebrate with me, and love me- flaws and all.
The old saying that your “vibe attracts your tribe” is true.
You attract the people that support your beliefs, your stories, your attitude and your inner dialogue.
I remember when I was eight years old- I attended a sleepover party with 25 friends. While I lay pretending to sleep, I saw a group of girls pretend to be me- making fun of me while the other girls laughed and followed along.
Girls were mean. Girls were vindictive. Girls didn’t say what they meant- they would simply say mean things behind your back.
And I carried this story around me for a very long time. Looking for support about this story and so it didn’t surprise me that the friends that I attracted were mean, would backbite me, and catty.
Once I got married- I focused on my family and my life. I avoided interacting with women unless it was my sister in laws or it was my own sisters. Even then, I would see some of them talk behind the others back and realize and think that this is simply what women do.
Years later I would start to go down the road of personal development and learn how to change my thoughts so I could create a different life.
I started to realize that everything I was seeing in others was simply a projection and mirror of what I was doing to myself.
Was I mean to myself- absolutely. I said things to myself that I wouldn’t dare utter to another human.
Was I unsupportive? Yep- I was always last on the list. Everyone else’s needs came way before my needs.
How about vindictiveness? How many times would I self- sabotage myself and not do something my heart was passionate about?
How could I trust others, when I couldn’t even trust myself- especially not myself?
So I decided to change my story. I started showing up for myself. I started to keep my word, and if I told myself I would do something- I would do it and commit to it as much as I would anyone else.
And I started to see myself differently. I didn’t have the need for someone outside of myself to validate me- because I validated myself on a daily basis.
I didn’t need someone else to love me, I would receive love- but didn’t yearn for it- because I knew I could provide the love along with the divine and that there was a never ending supply.
And guess what?
I started looking up when I entered a room.
I started looking people in the eye- inviting them to approach me.
I looked confident, because I felt confident.
And people are attracted to confidence. They want to be around high vibration.
And so women started to connect with me once again. They were excited to be with me and my heart was open to receiving their love and giving love back.
And I started to have sister friends once again.
The emotional baggage of yesterday was disposed of and left me open to moving forward with ease and joy and love. And those emotions invited them to come back to me.
And now my sisters are one of my most cherished connections in this life.
It was my sisters that held space for me to heal sexually and allow the last bit of energetic ties with my violators to disappear into the light of the love they provided me.
It was my sisters that allowed me to hold a mirror each time the old ugly thoughts would appear in my mind- reminding me that I was indeed fully divine- living in this human existence.
I believe that one of the most important parts of healing is finding a community of people that will support and hold space for that healing.
And I also believe that your sisters can be a huge part in that healing.
But you need to let them in. I implore you to start working on yourself so that you will allow them to hold you, rock you, and embrace you with strength and courage.
It’s time to heal my sisters.
The time is NOW.